I went into light labor at about 4 a.m. on my due date August 16, 2004. It wasn't really painful, but the anticipation of labor actually starting was enough to keep me from being able to sleep.

I got up and tiptoed downstairs, not wanting to wake my 21-month-old daughter, Evelyn. On the way I felt a trickle down my leg. So I hurried to the bathroom, worried that I was peeing my pants! It wasn't urine, though. It was leaking amniotic fluid! I was so excited since this was the same way my daughter's birth had started, so I thought for sure this was the day.

I swayed back and forth, lunged, did all the things you're supposed to do to get labor going. It was all to no avail. After my husband got up I went for a long walk, and still, nothing. In fact, the contractions slowed.

We did everything we could to try to get this baby born. I called my midwife to tell her about the leaking and to ask about what I could do to get things going. She suggested that I come in for an exam, and if I was already at 2 centimeters dilated then she was willing to do a "stretch and sweep" on my cervix. So in to the midwife's office my husband, daughter and I went.

On examination the midwife wasn't sure that my water had broken and tried to convince me that it could have been a bladder leak. But to be sure they did a test where a tube is inserted into my cervix to collect any leakage that came out. And VOILA! It was amniotic fluid!

The midwife informed me that after 48 hours, if labor hasn't begun, then they are required to induce to prevent infection because of the tear. It was a very small tear, but regardless, we had to try to get labor going!

The midwife decided to take an aggressive approach and told me to take a high dose of Castor Oil mixed with orange juice. Also, she sent me to a naturopath to get some kind of pill to put under my tongue that is supposed to help bring on labor. She also told me to drink a lot of fluids so I stayed hydrated, especially if the Castor Oil did its job and I got diarrhea.

I followed the instructions, and I waited. Finally, I felt gurgling in my stomach and, to say the least, the Castor Oil kicked in! I kept drinking a lot of fluids, particularly green Gatorade. I walked, and did everything to bring on labor. The contractions would get stronger and closer. Then they would slow. All day this went on and on.

Finally at about 5 p.m. the midwife came to my house to check me. I was at 5 centimeters, just enough to be admitted at the hospital! Woo hoo! Of course, since I wasn't in active labor, it wasn't a rush, and we set the time to meet at the hospital at 8 p.m. That gave us enough time to get our daughter looked after.

We went to the hospital, and the contractions were only mildly painful, and I was still able to talk between contractions, and they were about five minutes apart. It was quite annoying because I was having diarrhea due to the Castor Oil and my feces were bright green because of the Gatorade! The midwife found this quite amusing!

I was checked and was at about 6 centimeters with bulging water. Although there was a slight tear in my amniotic sac before, which cause the trickle of fluid, it wasn't enough to really cause a gush. So the midwife suggested breaking my water to get labor going. I agreed.

The actual breaking of the water didn't hurt, but the contractions after were completely unbearable! I wanted pain relief! The anesthesiologist was paged but (as in my first labor) was attending a Cesarean twin birth! I had to wait over an hour for an epidural! I don't remember much about that hour, except the excruciating pain.

After the epidural I got some rest, and was checked again at about midnight and I was 9 centimeters – almost time! Shortly after that I was at 10 centimeters! It only took about four pushes and my beautiful Nolan was born at 2 a.m. on August 17, 2004! He was 8 pounds, 3 ounces and 21 inches long and perfect!

I'd torn a bit from the birth, and the midwife left it up to me whether or not to stitch it. I asked her if she would want it stitched if it was her vagina. She looked, considered it, then said no, that it was a small enough tear and straight enough, that it would likely heal well if it was left alone.

The first month after Nolan's birth was nice. My husband was home (he took four weeks parental leave) and we really enjoyed our time as a family. But shortly after he went back to work, my mental health really deteriorated. Nolan was quite a fussy baby, and the demands of two children completely overwhelmed me. I felt imprisoned, alone, frustrated, angry, and I hated the baby that had ruined my life.

I kept hoping that the darkness of depression would disappear on its own, but day after day, nothing changed. I felt that I could no longer cope and that life had become more than I could bear.

I got help when Nolan was 6 months old. I talked to my nurse practitioner, who very quickly referred me to a mental health specialist, who then referred me to a psychiatrist. I was started on a treatment of antidepressants, and after trial and error, we found Cipralex really worked for me. I also went to professional counseling to help deal with what I was feeling, and just to have a knowing and understanding ear to listen.

Now my son is almost 18 months old, and I continue on the medication. It helps me cope through each day, and to enjoy my time with my children.

Post partum depression (PPD) is an illness, just like heart disease and diabetes are illnesses, and it can be alleviated with proper treatment. If you feel consistently that you can not cope, if you have thoughts about killing yourself or your child, or if you feel like you hate your child, seek help. Talk to a professional who can refer you to someone who can give you relief from these feelings. And don't wait. I made the mistake of waiting, and I endured needless suffering. I hope that my story will help someone out there who is feeling the effects of PPD.