I'm 21 years old. I had my baby when I was 20. It was Valentine's day; my due date was the 25th. I had a doctor's appointment earlier that morning and my Alexander's heartbeat was perfect. About four hours later I noticed my contractions were five minutes apart, so I called my doctor and he said, "Let's go have a baby."

Because this was my first child with my boyfriend we were both so excited my whole pregnancy was just perfect.

I got to the hospital and the nurses were very mean. When she checked for the heart and only heard mine I thought my heartbeat was the baby's. Then a doctor came in and out of nowhere said, "I'm so sorry, but your baby does not have a heartbeat."

I was crushed. My boyfriend and I were crying our eyes out. How could this happen? It wasn't real.

Five minutes later my OB came in and said he was sorry and did an ultrasound. No movement. No heartbeat. I did the natural birth. Cesarean section was too dangerous, the doctor said, since my little boy was already in the birth canal.

It's not April and we want Alexander to have another baby brother or sister; we are still trying. I pray to my angel every night; I miss him so very much. I never want to live that nightmare again. It just didn't feel real. I'm ready to wake up from this dream and be 9 months pregnant again.

Thank you for listening. If you want to talk you can e-mail me.

I love you, Alexander James. You're my guardian angel, my son, and I know you're up there waiting for me.